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| Living at home makes me feel worthless.
Suddenly, everything that completely and utterly deficient in my life comes to bear.
Lack of iniatiive. Lack of grace. Lack of a plan for the future. Lack of a personal drive.
How could I possibly have personal drive?
It's nice when your life is boxed down and shoved into nice little
compartments of what you should be doing. Except I'm just not
doing what I 'should' be doing.
Absolutely and completely worthless. A kid who doesn't even know
what he's doing. A kid who just likes to be patted on his head
for the things he does well.
Playing catch up in a 4 year old game.
The thing is... if I was simply in the right environment to do, I have
seen myself do incredible things. But that environment is NOT AT
HOME. Nor will it seem to derive from anything at home.
Challenge me with something that I know that has a point.
Whatever. This is just me bitching. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
| | |
| Dark Side
Memo to self: You are an asshole.
You let too many things outside of your control dominate your moods and
settings, and then inversely affect everything else around you.
You let your stupid little problems of insecurity and being accused of
noy doing anything in your life to obsessively grab onto any portion of
it you can as a self-defense against it.
You are afraid of a lack of control in your life. You are afraid
of a lack of direction in your life. Thus what do you do?
You make people suffer. You make people know that you're pissed
off when frankly, they don't need your attitude. Since making
other people suffer it the only way your insecure self can understand
that you indeed have some measure of control over your surroundings.
What you do with that entirely is, however, make everyone around you miserable. Stop that.
You are a sink. Anything positive that goes into you, never comes
out. Only when things are perfectly fine will you ever be
anything but a sink. The instant some little tiny fragment of
your shell breaks apart, you will tear into everyone and everything
around you using that fragment as an excuse.
Look at you, using your angst to justify being your real self. An
asshole whose constantly pissed off that other people are actually
happy and successful, on the right path to careers and other annoying
things.
People put faith in you to do things. They have faith in your
skills. What they never expect is your insufferable way to take
anything that's wrong with your life and project it to the world.
You have a fake smile. A fake shell. You don't have to let
other people know your problems. But at the same time, it doesn't
give you the right to leak angst and anger out over across the world
either.
Hm. As a post to myself, it really isn't sinking in. Maybe
it'll be more effective 6 months down the line, like everything else in
this xanga has.
| | |
| Dark Side
I can't sleep. So instead I'm going to angst, Heh.
Aw geez. This is going to be even more awkward than me talking
about Kat. Well, at least at this time. Maybe I'll look
back and laugh at it someday. It's about no one I know in real
life. No one I know from the past. Just someone I met
online...
God. That in itself makes it so hard. Knowing that people
will read that it's about an 'online person'. That it's not about
a real person. I've worked so hard to build up this image, and
there's so much inertia there to not say anything to the world.
Visions of people giggling or laughing at me. Why is that more
important than the truth or honesty? They wouldn't understand,
would they? Or is it really that pathetic? Or is it
confronting some truth about myself? That I'm a scared little boy
who's more afraid of the jeers of his peers than writing down the truth.
Or maybe it's the fact that it would give them some measure of power
over me. But now that I think about it... Maybe not.
There's a lot to be said for honesty and openness. Why can't I
learn anything from it, though? It always seems that I can never
see my mistakes until I've past some sort of threshold and everything
breaks.
I'm simply not comfortable being powerless. That's putting it a little
lightly. I can't stand the fact that sometimes I will want
someone when they will never want me. That I'll have to vie and
fight for their attention like one person out of a crowd. That
I'm not special to someone who I want to be special to.
Crevices under my skin. They become wounds when I care enough to
let them grow. Then all the whispers start up again. She's
using you.. She uses people.. You're just one of the thousands that
entertain her.. that humor her.. . You will be used and discarded
and you will see her pine for someone else, and care for someone else,
and you will get nothing more than sweet words and a gesture.
I have never been able to fight those off. So I assure myself
with words, or tests, or probes, about trying or effort and
will. To divine truth in any way I can.
Because I'm so paranoid. Even if I suspect it means hurting the
other person. I sometimes don't stop at that threshold.
Anger, words, logic.. they're all tools for me to dig inside
someone's skin.
And it eventually becomes self-fulfilling. How can you ever care about someone who digs at you all the time?
Is it possible to love online? Or care about a person thousands
of miles away that you've never seen at all in life? I know it's
possible to be rent apart from thousands of miles away. It's
infinitely easier to hate from thousands of miles away. But
love? When you can't touch the other person, hold them, or sit
and bask by their side?
Emotionally, I'm a child. I've known that for a long time.
I can't control what I feel. I don't want to. They're what
I feel. They're the truth about myself.
I think the period of regret is hardest of all. Where
would-haves, should-haves, and could-have-beens eat and gnaw away at
you. When you don't know whether to hope or be resolute, whether
to let it go, or to fight harder, to suffer or blame something
else. Does she care? Is she just angry or does she hate
you? What does she feel? How can I find out...
And the whispers want to start the cycle again. Dig for the
truth. Find out if she thinks this. Do whatever it
takes... Hurt her, wound her to see...
I really don't understand me. But I can sort of see some flaws in
myself. I pride myself in being above average. That
somehow, me trying to understand myself and everyone makes me better
than other people. Even if I don't say so out loud. That
I'm not afraid to care, or whatever bullshit altruism I throw it
under. But that doesn't mean I don't have things to
learn. But I don't see anyone around to teach me. I don't
know what to ask to see what's wrong with me...
I think other people don't introspect enough. But it's plain to
see that I haven't introspected enough at all. Nor do I see
anything when I do.
I try to change people too much. Not knowing that I can't change
much at all. Why do I even bother trying to change them?
It's just because it clashes with something in me that's the
cause. I should change myself instead, but it's so
hard. How do you care about someone and not care if they
care about you the same way? How do you become a saint? How
do you not care about being used? I don't understand...
I wish I could blame something for the arguments and anger over the
past 3 weeks. Being able to blame something besides yourself
shunts a terrible load off you. You don't have to change and you
can pretend everything is all right. I wish I could somehow find
some way to just set it all aside so it doesn't bother me any more.
It must have looked preety. 6 months burning away in 3 weeks.
From hope and care to hate and misery so quickly. How quickly
I've accepted it. Perhaps it wasn't 3 weeks...
Something like this has been coming for a while now. Let me think to what might be it...
...It's... me. Wanting too much. Then there's the another
me, who wants more than that. Is it right to fight for what you
want? But you can't make someone care or love you. Not by
fighting in that usual sense. Is it so wrong to want to be loved
by someone else? To just hear the words and know that even if
they can't touch you, or hold you, that they would if you were there?
To have a seed in your heart that tells you that you are special to
them, that they would never let you go, even if you were across the
globe?
Maybe I just don't know enough of love to justify saying the words.
I don't know.
...
I can't seem to write the words down.
Some kind of restraint is holding me back. It's the lies I've
told over the course of these weeks to people I know in real
life. Where it seemed like a little lie would be better than
being embarassed. All that inertia, just kind of builds on itself
over and over until it becomes impossible to say it out loud.
That somehow the consequences of writing it...
...
I don't know enough of love. I love you Becci. I'm sorry. I
tried to forget. I guess I didn't. Funny way of showing it though, I
suppose. Stabbing you constantly to make you try. I guess I
juste wanted some proof in the form of action that showed you cared as
strongly. Because I can't trust words anymore... at least
online.
...
I'm so afraid right now of the consequences. What is it I need to do from here?
| | |
| Light Side
Normally, I don't post Xanga entries about my life, but...
Free pizza (Oh god, no more
free pizza.), Spoons. Talking. Boba Run. More Cards. Random people
showing up. Talking. People sleeping. More Talking. People waking up.
Going home at 5:30 a.m. Stopping at Boelter of all places because
it was SO Freakin' cold on the way back. oO.
Then coming home to find that Becci was mad as all hell.
Geez. Talk about Balance in the world, right? I just spent all my energy, and I have to deal...
My sleep schedule is SO off right now from sleeping at 7 a.m.
Hm.. just a note so I remember it later. (Memo to me): Heyjen writes
better stories in her dreams than you do when you sit down to write for
3 hours. Just a thought on talent. :P
Dark Side
No, I don't believe it can be over with just one thing. But it hasn't been just one thing, has it?
It seems like a common theme recently that trust, honesty and saying
what you mean is paramount above all others. But I can't deal
with that. I've broken people's trust before, in the name of
revenge for all things.
There's a lot of things that hurt when I meet someone. The
thought of meeting someone cool and never seeing them again. The
thought that I might not be good enough for other people. Mostly
just confidence and issues of trust.
That word can be thrown around in so many ways. When you say 'I
don't believe you.' That fundamentally means 'I don't trust you.' but
in memory they can be synonymous or parallel. There could be
reasons of disbelief applicable to particular situations.
You can distill it down to a problem of trust. 'I don't believe
you mean this when you say it.' That's a trust issue right
there. But then again, it could be due to contextual problems
from the actual thing at hand. Such as 'You're a great artist'
-> 'I don't believe you, because I know *you're* not an artist.'
Hm.. Well, I suppose I'm already screwed at this point, so I'll toss a
few specifics out. Sometimes I wonder if people are worth the
time and energy I put into them. But they are. Except for
when stuff like last night happens with Becci. It seems like no matter
what I do, somehow, whatever it is, I'm going to incite some stupid
argument that leads back to fundamental core issues..
And then I have to spend an hour and a half explaining my basic
misunderstanding or badly thought out perception. Which is great
and all, I mean, I do need to clarify my responses and understandings
for a while.
But I'm so tired of dealing with it. I can't keep doing this any
more. Every single one of my words are potentially hostile.
I'm treated like I'm a friend who constantly stabs people.
Whose cold logical side drives me to press on people's wounds.
I'm sorry. If my comments are being taken like that, and every
week something new and silly comes out to piss you off, I think there's
something fundamentally wrong with the way you look at me.
You don't need help. But at the same time, I don't really feel
like pissing you off if that's the only thing I do when I talk
nowadays. And then spending 2 or 3 hours cleaning up after myself
when it feels like I've just hit on a problem that wasn't mine, but
nonetheless, if I hit on it, I'll have to spend 2 or 3 hours repairing
the conversation while simultaneously not HELPING ANYTHING.
Because it's STILL THERE. So I'm just going to hit into it AGAIN
eventually.
I mean, what the hell's the point of me talking anymore? This is
ridiculous. How am I being perceived if all I do is piss you
off? How does that even work?
So yes, one comment, repeated enough, will make me sick of the whole thing.
But hey, I'll be honest I guess.
You don't trust me. You don't believe that at times, I'm trying
to help. If all you see, is that Kuo with his manic barbs and
callous 'let's stab Becci' to find out what she's thinking, Fine.
That's entirely valid in that viewpoint. If that's your
view of me, I'm not sure what kind of friendship this is.
I could be the closest person you've ever talked to. Fine.
But you've walked away from so many people it seems. I suppose
you've had you're reasons. I'm sure they're good reasons.
But if I can be another one of those people, I don't really believe
that you trust me any more than anyone else.
And I don't really want to be one of your normal friends. Because
you constantly meet new friends. So I mean, there'd be no point
to me feeling drained at the end of one of those conversations because
all you can do is walk away to someone else.
So tell me, what am I to you?
| | |
| Light Side
Wow. I'm glad I kept this
thing. Reading back, it's amazing how much of myself is preserved
through these pages. Then again, most of the time, I simply sound like
Classic Emo Teenage Trash. *Especially* reading about what I have
dubbed the 'Kat' arc of my life. Then there's the posts about Bei and
Spirituality of religion. And then me crashing and burning over
Summer + Jamie.
I suppose I'll just write down what's happened in my life. The 2nd year of college so to speak:
This was the year of hate.
Everything, everyone. Parents. UCLA people. Classes,
everything. Emo++. I whittled away so much time alone and
full of hate for imaginary wrongs that were slighted against me.
I didn't talk to anyone in my dorm, I didn't talk to anyone that I knew
last year for longer.
I lost touch with so many
people I knew in college, and simply turned them all away.
This more than ever I think, was the dark year of my life. The
only thing that I gained from that year was School and a knowledge that
being alone didn't really matter. Then I can watch everyone else
blossom and become more than they were, while I cloaked myself in
solitude. (And socially ineptness! W00t!)
But that's enough about that year, I don't remember much of it anymore. I didn't do much anymore.
Man. I'm not as close to
people anymore. I'm so out of touch with people I once knew, and
that's kind of sad. But I guess what's sadder is that I'm not
really trusted to become the ear of someone.
Actually, what's kind of sad is that I keep getting teh rejected from everyone. XD Oh well. Things come and go.
2006 for the win!
Dark Side
To the "Gang":
We are not close. In High School, yes, we hid things from each
other. But it's getting to the point where things are simply
absurd. We will tell each other NOTHING that contradicts the
previous image we are.
I'd hate to say it, but there's so much trash talk and crap flying
around through backdoor channels, and frankly, I'm sick of
it. And then I come back for the winter, and everything I
hear is "Oh, yeah, I like the fact that we're close, and we don't have
to act differently."
Bullshit. It's just that we've been so used to acting like
this. We're all new people, playing with the same old
veneer. Do we 'not understand' that you can change?
I'd like to think I'm more open now. But why do I hear so much
dirt it seems every time I look around. Where is the truth?
How would I confront any of you with "Why don't you tell us who you are
now, or would you prefer acting as who I think you are?"
I could go into specifics, but then I'd probably be roasted alive. Ouch. Score one less point for openness, eh?
I'm just venting the fact that it seems like everyone is trash talking
everyone else behind their back. Oh hell yes, We're close. We're
tight, and look behind the curtains and we'll tear each other's
character's apart.
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